Fall, Y'All?

We arrived up here in Palmerton on July 7th, in the middle of the summer, and it was warm. Very warm.  The running joke was, "Did you bring the Florida heat with you when you came up here?"  Wasn't much different - days in the upper 80's and low 90's, with nights not much cooler.

But one of the things that my lovely wife Jen had told me for as long as I can remember was that Fall in PA was a very wonderful season, with the changing colors in the leaves, and the cooler days and nights. And I kept wondering just when that was supposed to start.

Well, it has! Blue Mountain, that little "hill" in our back yard has started morphing into shades of yellow, orange and brown. And it seems like I have trouble finding the sidewalks sometimes, as the trees on our street are busy defoliating at a very rapid pace.

Our house is the one with the American flag out front. Which really is an understatement because a lot of houses on my street have Old Glory waving 24/7.  Anyway, along with the color changes have come much milder temps.  Most of our nights here are in the low to mid-40's, and the days rarely climb above 75ºF.  We take the dogs for their first walk of the day just after climbing out of bed, which translates to around 7:30 - 8:00 AM.  And I don't leave the front door without flannel pants and a sweat-shirt. Yes, I'm a Florida wuss! 

Right now, the change in colors has just started, yet there is still a lot of green around.  It looks like the full-blown Fall pictorial is still a few weeks away.  And so I am getting myself prepared for what lies ahead.  Jen has purchased a full set of thermal underwear for me.  I have obtained several more sweatshirts with hoods. (I promise I will not wear them anywhere near Sanford, FL!)  I now have a nice stocking cap and a pair of warm gloves.  And in keeping with my sports-minded sons-in-law, I have one very nice (and well-lined) kick-butt Philadelphia Eagles jacket.  (I know, I know - they're not doing all that great this year! But you have to be faithful to the home team!)

And I don't know why, but the one warning that keeps ringing in my ears is "Just wait till it gets down to 10º!"  Now, I don't know why 10º seems to be some magical number, but even this Florida boy knows that 10º is cold!  And I have a hard enough time relating to that figure, and even thinking about going outside.  But what I am really wondering is, what about the dogs?  Sasha, our Dalmatian, is usually pretty prompt at doing her thing.  Out the door, into the grass in front, squat and pee.  A few more yards and the other chore gets done.  Sandy, our Papillon  on the other hand, is a prima-donna when it comes to the relief business - a quick squat just outside the door and then a casual stroll around the neighborhood, nose working diligently while we cover several blocks.  And then, when she decides to finish the job, she takes about 10 minutes to find just the right spot, circling it over and over until she has the site properly prepared.  Only then can she leave her deposit.

Now all this is well and good when the temp outside is 55º+.  But when there is snow on the ground, and it's 20º below the freezing level, just how are our Florida-raised pups going to react?  Forget that - how on God's green earth am I going to react??  I close my eyes and my mind begins to drift: I awaken from a very nice warm sleep, and slowly drag my carcass out from under my blankets, where my wonderful heated mattress pad has kept my core temperature at that 98.6º optimal level.  I look at my indoor/outdoor thermometer, and...WHOA! - it says 14ºF!  Math question: how long does it take the average male to go from pajamas and slippers to a parka, mukluks, and balaclava at 7:30 AM?  And the dogs?  I know they have a built-in fur coat, but, fer cryin' out loud, it's sub-freezing out there.  What about the little pads on their feet?  What if they try to sniff their favorite hydrant and their little nose sticks to the surface?  What happens when one of them squats to pee, and she freezes to the sidewalk?

You can tell I'm a Southern boy, because no one else would stop to consider these things.  I do not want to leave the premises when it's that cold outside, let alone take two mutts along for the tortu...er...walk.  I've been thinking - we have a very strong clothesline in our miniscule back yard.  Getting the idea yet?  I'll rig up a short leash, lest the beasts stray into the neighbor's "no dog" zone, and then all I need to do is wrap myself in several layers, run said pooch out the back door and attach same to clothesline, then retreat to the warmth of my igloo.  Wait about 3-5 minutes and then dash out and retrieve one slightly frozen canine.  Repeat for dog #2, and hope that pneumonia doesn't set in.  Ain't I ingenious?

BTW, the cats have it made in the shade.  Their en suite is in my den, and they have two very nice kitty boxes to use, complete with man-servant.  Twice a day, I clean the litter boxes, give them fresh water and food, and clean off the doormat.  If you ever wonder why cats are so snooty, it's because us humans spoil them rotten.  I know where I will find them on these Arctic days - laying next to or very near the home heating system.  Or sleeping in either my lap or Jen's.

And so I am preparing for my very first real winter.  Fall has begun, the leaves are falling, and the weather is growing cooler.  I am really enjoying it so far, but everyone seems to be trying to burst my optimism balloon.  This morning my mountain was covered in clouds, it was about 47º outside, and I was walking the doggies in flannel pants and a sweatshirt.  And I was thinking about how much colder it was going to get.  But I'm sorry - I simply cannot imagine, in my mind's eye, walking out the door into 10º.  I can't!  And when I try to add the dogs, it gets even more ridiculous.  I need help.  Is there anyone out there who can give me proper instructions on how to walk the dogs when it's literally freezing out there?